It’s crazy how perspective changes everything. More than you know. The way we see things has more weight than the way things actually are.
Take this example:
Josh and Mani (that’s us) are staying in this awesome 3 bedroom home in Portland (which apparently is the place to be right now), with an awesome view out into the forest of the Pacific Northwest with amazing sunsets every day. Their hosts have become their friends, with whom they share many delicious meals and good conversations. They have fresh coffee and tea available every morning and they sleep in a pillow top King size bed which is hard to get up from every morning. They even have their own mini living area downstairs where they have a desk, couch, tv, microwave and mini fridge. They don’t have to commute every day (they work from home), and they can spend as much time together as they want (they don’t like being apart from each other.)
Sounds great right?
Well, here’s the thing…
It’s not. I mean, yeah, I am very grateful to our hosts and God for providing us with a roof over our heads and food to fill out tummies but everyday is a struggle for us.
We have been in transition for months. We don’t know what God’s plans are or what He wants us to do. We don’t know where our lives are going, Our finances are not good, we owe taxes which we can’t afford and they’re not gonna wait forever, we struggle with the unknown and God’s silence. We often struggle with depression, fear and anxiety. We worry that God has ditched us because we failed at his given orders, and we are now left to go and play society’s “game” which revolves around money.
Being in transition is exhausting. You can never feel safe or in comfort because you have no idea what’s happening next. We would both feel better if we could get clear orders from God, even if they are: “go be homeless and beg” or “go play the game and make a bunch of money.” We are capable of both, but we struggle big time when we don’t know what we are supposed to do. We don’t want to do the wrong thing.
We both need medical care of all kinds: doctors, dentists and chiropractors, which we can’t afford and we have no insurance. Josh suffers daily mostly with mental-related suffering. I suffer mostly with physical-related suffering.
It’s hard for me because Josh’s feelings affect me. I’m way too empathetic towards him, and it doesn’t help either of us. And it’s also hard for me because my health is getting worse. I can’t floss without it looking like I just ate a human heart. And my hips, they hurt. They hurt every day and every night. I’m in my frickin’ 20’s, nobody’s hips should be in pain in their 20’s. I was a dancer on and off for many years in my life, my true passion, which I’m afraid is starting to affect me negatively now.
And it is hard for Josh because he is a doer, he is a fixer. He is an American by blood, and our current situation goes against his nature. It is very hard for him to do nothing. He is also the one needing to provide most of the finances for us and therefore pay the bills and keep our hosts happy.
I hate money. Don’t get me wrong, I love many things that money can buy, but I hate what money represents and how it affects people. I hate that we are dependent on it. Money is the opposite of God. It is man-made and it is driving this world and it drives people to be evil, to be selfish and ruin lives. The lack of money has taken children away from their parents, has kicked people into the streets, has driven people to blatantly lie to get what they want and ruin lives in the process. It didn’t used to be like this. Money is the reason humanity needs to reset. We can’t go on like this.
This post definitely turned into something I wasn’t expecting but I’m letting it all out there, I want this blog to be honest, not just the highlight reel of our life. Truth is important. Hypocrisy is another big problem in our time. People need to be more real, starting with themselves and then with everyone else.
I’m not saying I am completely free from greed and hypocrisy, I would be a hypocrite if I was. I definitely have flaws, but my “evil” or “bad” thoughts and deeds are mild, I mean I have never gone out of my way to get something if it ruined someone’s life. I strive to be honest, and most specially to not be a hypocrite because I know that God does not like hypocrisy. I noticed that many times we don’t notice we are being hypocrites and this is why we have to try to be honest with ourselves.
In conclusion… perspective. Perspective changes a situation drastically. At first sight, we are in an awesome situation, but if you see closer, you know it’s not even close to what you thought. Best is to remain cheerful no matter what. I’m bad at that, but I am good at remaining calm and having faith and not overanalyzing situations. I am good at trusting that God hasn’t ditched us. I am good at trusting that God has His reasons and I am good at not trying to understand Him, because in trying to do so you only misunderstand Him.
I do hope that He’ll break His silence with us soon. I have a feeling there will be a change soon.
I’ll leave you with this quote:
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.– Steve Furtick
A New Life Wandering 
Seriously make a list of choices and opportunities. You are demanding that God speaks on your terms. Look at your choices and act. Why do you assume you’re choices are not consistent with God’s intentions. It sounds like you are holding your breath waiting for God’s word. Maybe he is waiting for you to act. I really like your blog. There was a guy in Oregon who got his truck stuck in the snow. He was waiting for God to rescue him. Instead of getting out of the truck and going around the corner where he could be rescued he starved to death.
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Thanks for your encouragement but right now, frankly, we don’t have many choices, at least none of them are better than staying here and waiting for better ones. We don’t have the money to move out and change our lives for the good right now. I guess I shouldn’t assume that our choices are not consistent with God’s intentions, that’s good advice.
Also, I’ve heard stories like that one, but that’s not us. We are taking opportunities; we are taking our hosts’ help, we are trying medical care at the VA, and will consider taking a loan offered to us to buy a used car.
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Canada has free healthcare! Portland isn’t too far away… Maybe this very comment is a sign that says you belong in Canada! lol. Good luck. xx
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Haha.. I do love Canada… but isn’t it true that “there is no such thing as a free lunch” ?
Thanks for the luck 🙂
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I never ruined anyone’s life in the pursuit of money but I sure did harm as a foot soldier for international capitalism. I had a long list of amends to make.
Now I write which feels like the right way to go. I like what the first comment here says about action. The way I try to do what I think I need to be doing is that every morning I sit down to write (that’s the action part). As I cycle through the different topics I could write about, one will tug at me. So I go with that one. Then I start tickling the keys and if the tug turns into a mighty pull that (to me anyway) is the sign that I am doing exactly what I should be doing.
So one way to go, Mani, is to take small steps toward something and see what tugs at you.
And oh I understand the hip aches. The chemo left me with arthritis in both hips and my new meds make it worse. Heat and asprin seem to help the most.
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Thank you so much for your advice. I like the writing part. The thing is is that we have been trying that approach, which I think it’s a really good one: to take small steps and see what flows or as you say what tugs at you.. but, we have been trying so many things, we have been taking the first steps to many things for a while now, and nothing has blossomed. This is why we are stuck and waiting.
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Transition is hard. After all the time and effort you spent seeking visas for India, do you think now that you won’t be going back there?
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Yeah, transition is hard. And yeah, it was a long process to finally get our visas, but for the looks of it we are not going back anytime soon. We still have our little house there, but right now we don’t have a reason to go. I’m already working on [also] transitioning my blog to suit our current lives instead of specifically about our lives in India. But really who knows! 😉
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What do you want to have happen? Because you want it does not automatically mean it is not God’s intention. I always think of hiking up a trail to the top of a mountain. It is always difficult, but when you look back you see how far you have come. What is your dream, what is your goal? It is never easy, the strength of your motivation is what makes something happen. It sounds like you have both lost confidence because of what happened to your India plan. Learn from the experience and make a new plan. How can you share your faith? Who can you help? How can you make a difference in somebodies life. Who knows? You know? Make a plan. sometimes the work, sometimes they don’t. A plan worth doing is always difficult.
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I think you might be right, I think we have lost confidence, but it’s not just of what happened with our India plan, but what has happened for years now. The many projects we have started, and none to have flourished. What do we want? We want to build a house and have a lot of land and lots of animals near the rivers and mountains and living a simple life growing my own vegetables as well as volunteering to help others. We have volunteered quite a bit in the past, and it makes us feel good. But we can’t do any of that without money. To volunteer doesn’t cost but we still need transportation which we don’t have and public transit where we are is not very available. Baby steps. 🙂
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