In All Seriousness, Here Are My 20 New Year’s Resolutions

resolutions

  1. Stop farting in public places.
  2. Assume mean comments are just sarcasm that didn’t translate.
  3. Stop yelling at the television.
  4. Start a book club that’s secretly a “drinking on Wednesdays” club
  5. Stop wearing pijamas for 32 hours in a row.
  6. Support my friend’s diets by eating all their food.
  7. Make like The Beatles and let it be.
  8. Remember to engage my core muscles during my next bout of road rage.
  9. Apologize for all the things I said when I was hungry.
  10. Stop putting loose hairs on the shower wall.
  11. Stop making others wait by trying to pay with exact change.
  12. Do more exercise and join a Quidditch league.
  13. Love others as much as Kanye West loves himself.
  14. Embrace my destiny as a crazy cat lady.
  15. Make it easy on baristas, and give them a simple fake name.
  16. Act like I’m interested in my friend’s kids.
  17. Stop enjoying and accepting free food as if I was a starving child.
  18. Support the environment and take less showers.
  19. Make better bad decisions.
  20. Always return the shopping carts to their designated areas.

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In All Seriousness, Here Are My 20 New Year’s Resolutions

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