Wtf is this shit. I do something terrible, wrong, selfish thing and everyone from all angles (except for one and myself) keeps telling me I did nothing wrong, that it was God’s plan, to not feel guilty… Wtf.
I’m baffled, confused. Why? How? I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity, I want people to say “yeah you fucked up”, “people make mistakes”, “when did you become so selfish?” (this is one I wonder every day now). Something! I don’t know.
I don’t understand how people think right now. I don’t think people understand how they think right now.
I did something that is clearly not okay, how do people not see that? Have I done a terrific job at my life at pretending I’m such a good person that when I do something bad, people don’t see it as bad? Or is the current mindset, values, morality of humanity right now so fucked up that they really don’t see a bad thing as a bad thing?
I’m truly puzzled.
Am I too hard on myself? Maybe. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I did something selfishly, and hurt people along the way.
I’m having a crisis of identity. The question “who am I?” has been coming up in my mind lately. And personally, I think everyone should be asking themselves that question nowadays. Hypocrisy is at its peak. We are all hypocrites in some way or another. We are all actors. I think people have lost themselves, their true selves, in exchange to play the game of this planet right now. We’re all in a chess game, carefully planning our next move to avoid getting defeated, surviving, and gaining something, crushing others as we advance in the game.
Let’s stop playing chess.
Let’s chill down, drink some wine, and listen to music and dance instead.
And here’s a song. Not necessarily related to the above, but related nonetheless.
A New Life Wandering 
Are you ok? I know that sounds like a dumb question but I’m honestly asking..
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It’s not dumb. I appreciate you asking. Yes, I’m fine. It may sound worse than it is. I don’t know. Either way, I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Venting. Just made myself some chamomile lavender tea. That’ll fix everything, right?
Again, I appreciate it.
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Tea can’t fix everything, but it can make things a little better at least..
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Mani, yes, we’re all hypocrites. Difference is some of us admit it and many of us will deny it. We all hide behind “values” to get what we want. I’m sorry you fucked up and that the situation is confusing. Sometimes we need to swim around in confusion before things become clear. If you did something shitty and hurt people then you need to figure out if you wanted to hurt them or if it’s a matter of your happiness vs happiness of others. I think it’s hard for people to respond to your dilemma because we don’t know exactly what happened. We’re taking your word for it that you did something selfish and accept your conclusion that you need to live more selflessly.
Forgive me if I point out that sometimes we are so full of conflicting emotions that our mind isn’t clear and that gives way to distorted thoughts.
I’m not saying your thoughts are distorted, but I AM saying they MIGHT be, and that you might want to talk to someone who is trained to help people unravel their thoughts/emotions.
I can tell by this post that things are unravelling for you. “Unravelling” in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, hence your emphasis on “who am I?” (that is, who are you…).
Please consider talking to someone (who is a trained professional). In my experience, formal support is often better than friends and family because they are not involved in your personal issues and have a certain objective vantage point and can spot unhealthy patterns and offer helpful suggestions on how to go about changing those unhealthy patterns.
All these words are coming from a place of deep concern and love. I hope you find a resolution that makes sense to you and that you return to a place of peace very, very soon.
If you feel like you need an outsider to talk to please contact me: myspanglishfamilia at gmail dot com.
Be well, my friend.
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Thanks so much Jill. I’ll say a few things that come to mind.
I did not want to hurt. I was seeking happiness through what I did, and things definitely didn’t go as expected.
I’m sorry I’m vague but I actually wasn’t seeking so much advice or support rather than just trying to vent out. I needed to vent and I might continue doing so. With that said, I really appreciate all the support, encouragement, and advice I’m getting here.
As for talking to a professional, I believe it can help a lot of people but I’ve managed to avoid it my whole life. Everything I’ve gone through, including a deep long depression years ago, I was able to move on one way or another and eventually, without professional help. I can’t afford it right now, anyway.
Again, I really appreciate your words, concern, and love.
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Venting is really important and healthy. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough here to do that. In the meantime, I’ll simply continue sending you love and peace 🙂
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Yeah, venting really helps. I can’t believe I published it though.. for thousands to read. But I feel like I needed to. Writing in private helps too, but I feel like I need someone to read it (listen). Anyone.
Thanks again for everything Jill.
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Thank you SO much. You are so kind and sweet. You’re right we can’t control how people react only how we react. And you’re right that the best we can do is try our best.
I just feel like I may have been blinded by a want or in a bubble in my attempt to fulfill a really strong desire. It burst on my face. But yes, one step at a time. It’s a long journey. 15 years and counting…
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Thank you for that. Beautiful video and song. Those words couldn’t be more suiting… indeed a wild ride and not much to do but hold on. Thank you.
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Hi there. Hope you’re doing fine.
I believe sometimes we take decisions which seems right at that moment, but when that ‘moment’ actually passes, we tend to regret our decision(if it didn’t turn up well). We generally seek help from family/friends in bad times, who – out of love – go an extra mile to support us to come out of it rather than pin-point our mistakes. If you think you made a terrible decision and now you’re going through a bad phase because of that, I suggest accept what you did and make it a point to not do that again & stop(or probably reduce) thinking over that and start concentrating on things you like which will make you feel better and you’ll come out of it soon.
Wish you luck & good health.
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You make a lot of good points. And you’re right about friends and family… I don’t know why I expected them to be harsh/blunt with me, since that’s not the loving thing to do.
Honesty is a sensitive subject for me.
Thank you so much for your input.
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