Stop Making Dating Checklists

I saw someone on tumblr advising a girl to write down a list of the qualities she wants in a partner. That is terrible advice, seriously, don’t do that, not even in your head. I have heard this many times before, girls and women talking about their checklists and classifying their possible partners or their dates into these lists, and even worst telling them they have a list! What where they thinking? 

If you really must make a list, don’t tell your date about it.

Finding a partner shouldn’t be about what you want, it should simply be about love and having someone to share life with you with support and friendship and love. Relationships are not business transactions, I have seen they are treated as such a lot here in the US and why there are a lot less divorces in India than in the US, because in arranged marriages in India they learn to love their partner, accepting who they are. In the US, once someone stops getting what they wanted from their partner, they either demand it or end it.

Obviously there are exceptions. Not all relationships are like that, but there are enough to make it worth noting.

“We had an arranged marriage. It worked for our parents, it worked for our grandparents, and it worked for us. We met three days before our wedding, and it took us time to fall in love, but we are definitely in love.” “When did you first realize you were in love?” “One day, I realized that for the last several weeks, someone had been happy to see me every time I’d gotten home. And it felt really good.” Humans of New York

 

Love should be about giving without expecting anything in return, it should be about selflessness even if it means sacrificing one’s happiness for the sake of someone else’s.

Note: before I come off as a hypocrite, I am not like that 100% in my relationship, but I strive to be and definitely would like to be 100% this way.

However, I have never even thought of making such a list and I had two long-term relationships before I found my soulmate, whom I found at an unexpected time and place. My first and shortest relationship ever lasted 11 months. Also, all of the partners I’ve had were so drastically different to each other because I was never looking for a specific person, in fact, I was never actually looking for love, all of my relationships just happened. I was simultaneously content with being single and open for love.

I truly believe that God set up my hubby and I together when we were both ready for each other. If we had met sooner or later, it might have not worked. God’s timing is perfect. We are both so different, but we are perfect together and our relationship has survived a lot of opposition and rough times, but ever since we met, we both felt completely comfortable with each other. It may sound like a cliché but we both know that we are soulmates as in our souls have been together in past lives. Neither of us ever imagined we would end up with someone like the other one. But I can’t imagine being without him, ever.

The act of having a “perfect partner checklist” will only set you up for multiple failures:

  1. The list makes you close-minded and picky and because of this you may overlook potential partners that if you had given a chance, you may have found they were the perfect partner for you.
  2. The list drives you to change the person you are with. Don’t look for the “potential” of a man instead of accepting them for who they are. These relationships are unhealthy and mostly don’t end well.
  3. The list creates false expectations. If these expectations aren’t met, it only leads to disappointment and rupture.

In conclusion: don’t have expectations, don’t look for a specific partner, don’t even look for a partner (it will come to you when the time is right), and don’t make the stupid checklists. It sounds like a lot of things, but it is a lot easier than you think. Chances are the perfect person for you is not who you imagine it to be and will come at an unexpected time and place, if you let it be.

Grumpy cat being showered by valentines

If you are sad today on Valentine’s Day because you don’t have a boyfriend, I suggest you buy yourself a “you are awesome” card and some chocolate, embrace your singleness, and be excited for what the unexpected future will bring. Get a bottle of wine and watch the 2nd season of House of Cards that came out today on Netflix.

Now what?

Starting today, you are going to burn your checklist and kill the one in your brain with a shot of alcohol because alcohol kills brain cells or you can opt to bang your head against the wall to achieve the same effect, and you will also stop actively looking for a relationship. He/she will come when you are both ready for each other and it will be great.

Finally, if you believe in God, do what I just said in the previous paragraph plus let Him choose your partner for you; let Him play cupid for you. How? By going with the flow, letting Him worry about it, and having faith in Him. If you worry about it, God doesn’t. If you truly let Him worry for you, He will take care of it.

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