Realization – What Was I Thinking?

A few days ago I wrote a rant/vent post about how I was mad because people (friends and family) were not giving me sh*t about sh*t I did. I was mad about how these people that care for me weren’t telling me I did something wrong or I made a mistake. I was mad because they weren’t being honest with me. I didn’t want a free ticket to selfishness.

And I was completely wrong to be angry about that, to be thinking that way. People who care for you and love you wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t tell me: “you’re a terrible person”, “what have you done?”, “you’re on your own”. What was I thinking?

This is a completely new situation for me and I’m beginning to think I just don’t know what I’m supposed to think, or do, or expect from others. And what I expected was wrong. Everything I expected was wrong. How things would turn out, how people would think and react…

I feel like I need to apologize to these people, who supported me through all of this. Who still do. Instead of being grateful at first, I was appalled. I don’t know what I was thinking.

But I’m very grateful for your unconditional support. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. For your help. For all that you did for me. All that you offered. All your support. And if you read this, you know who you are.

One friend even told confessed to me that she was upset I wrote those things because she actually learned from me that she doesn’t have to go on preaching and telling people what they did wrong. If she learned that from me, then at some point I must have been clear and consistent and strong about it. And I do believe that. I absolutely believe in not judging people.

And now I come out “yelling” at the world about expecting them to judge me, wondering why they don’t tell me that I f*cked up or that I did something wrong, and that I didn’t want their pity or praise. That makes me a hypocrite. And there’s that word again, that I hate. Is it even possible to NOT be a hypocrite in this world?

Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to you, and don’t expect people to do things that you wouldn’t do. Goes both ways.

I have a hard time sometimes about deserving things. About not getting what I deserve or getting things that I don’t deserve. But who’s to say, including myself, what I deserve? Whether it be bad or good. God only knows.

I’m sorry, loved ones, to have expected something other than love and support from you, as you have been giving me exactly that through most of my life. You weren’t lying to me, you were simply being loving. I understand now, and I appreciate it immensely.

I said this already but I don’t know what I was thinking. My mind is in shambles.

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